You start writing because you enjoy it and keep doing it because no one does it better than you
There is a persistent fear in our culture that the person you are with is actively fantasizing or thinking about a past lover while engaged in sexual activities with you. Maybe you think she’s thinking back to the tight end she was with in college or maybe you think he’s picturing the blue haired girl with a tongue ring that he dated during his freshmen year. Whatever the specific fear may be there seems to be this growing anxiety around sexual ineptitude when compared with either past partners or pornographic fantasies that many attribute to a growing “body count” and porn consumption. Many people have given half baked solutions to these problems but too few are asking why these fantasize actually arise in people possibly because the reason seems obvious: people want sexual pleasure and are terrified they are missing out and not delivering/receiving the best orgasm possible. This is plausible and in some cases this is certainly true but for the vast majority of people these thoughts have little to nothing to do with sex. Even though our culture has become seemingly more sex obsessed than ever more and more of sexuality is being catered towards fantasy and masturbation. Even what counts as real human sexual interaction today seems to be moving towards the realm of the pornographic where both parties involved in the act are engaging in some form of mutual masturbation where the other persons presence is inconsequential. I think the claim that we are a sex obsessed society is mostly wrong, in fact it seems to be the case that we are having less sex than ever. I don’t think this is due to dating apps, technology, dropping testosterone levels or the availability of porn. I don’t actually believe this culture is sex obsessed I think this culture wants to be sex obsessed we desire to want sex but can’t, instead what we are is fantasy obsessed and driven by the urge to find ways of pleasuring ourselves without the need for others. I believe these thoughts of being with someone else or being with someone better have less to do with sexual gratification and more to do with wish fulfillment and escapism, these thoughts or fantasies do not arise out of a desire for more fulfilling sex but instead it seems to signal a desire to transform sex into masturbation. The majority of sexual fantasies that occur to people when with their current partner seem to fall into two categories, either a past lover or a pornstar, model, actress etc… The fantasies about people from the past are almost universally about people you have no real chance of being with again. Either that person has moved on or you know that if you were with that person things would end horribly. The second category is just as unreachable and like the first category you know in the back of your mind that the pornstar who you are imagining will be significantly worse in reality. They will be worse in reality not just because they wear a pound of makeup on set or are digitally enhanced but because no one in reality will ever compete with the fantasy in your head and even if they could the fact that they are real would be enough to repulse you. These two classes of fantasy are so common because they are both unlikely to manifest into anything real. The appeal is not that you could sleep with Sydney Sweeney but that you never will and she will always remain a fantasy and therefore she will always remain perfect, she will always just be pornography for your masturbation.
The case that best exemplifies this idea that what we desire is masturbation and not sex is the growing popularity of cuckold pornography. The cuckold fantasy as I understand it is usually based around the idea that a persons partner is with someone who is better than them sexually and they are forced to watch as this new person satisfies their partner as they sit helplessly unable to do anything. It also seems like common practice for the cuckold in this situation to pleasure themselves while this is occurring. The purpose of the cuckold fetish while appearing to be a desire for humiliation upon closer inspection actually seems to be the same fantasy of the man who thinks about his college sweetheart when things are getting hot and heavy with his wife. In the actual cuck scenario you are turning your partner into a fantasy or a character that although real you know you will never be with, you are turning her into the girl you cannot have without the need to substitute some past lover in her place. She now becomes that person you fantasies about and thus in turn your future sexual interactions with her from that moment on become masturbatory and moves away from actual sex. This act is not a sexual fetish in fact this fetish is an attempt to remove sex entirely and transmute any possible sex or intimacy into a masturbatory fantasy where you only have to worry about satisfying yourself because now you know the “bull” is the only one who can satisfy her and all you have to do is get yourself off. The cuckold is incapable of sex and not only that he does not desire sex he wishes to remove it entirely so even the act itself is turned into nothing more than a night with a realistic mannequin . His partner transforms from a person to a fantasy something he cannot have, the woman who was with the bull is unreachable and that is who he is actually fantasizing about while having physical sex with her after the act. This takes away both responsibility and the reality that the person you are with is real and not just a shadow on the wall of your goon gave.
This concept also works for the cheater or someone who returns to their ex or finds a new partner and goes behind their loved ones back. I don’t doubt some people can be better at giving their partner sexual gratification but the act of cheating most likely feels better during the sexual act because it is not sex at all and it has instead turned what appears to be sex into pornography where the sex toy just happens to be another person with genitals. The person you are cheating with is no longer a person they are wish fulfillment. Any act of sex you now have with your current partner only reaffirms the narrative in your head that the person you are cheating on is inept and how only the mistress can satisfy you. This allows the cheater to engage in masturbation while both with and away from the lover they are using to cheat. The act of sex or denial of sex with the spouse becomes foreplay for when you get to be with the lover and they eagerly turn the pages of the erotica in their minds until they reach the climax of this elaborate pornographic film they’ve been playing for themselves. Whether or not the person you are cheating with is a better lover is irrelevant, both the build up and the desire to confirm your fantasy will make it into a reality, or better yet it will make it into a compelling story you can tell yourself. We are not sex obsessed as a culture we are fantasy obsessed, we are obsessed with self stimulation culminating in a desire not to be with others but a desire to be with yourself. The act of sex is too real, too messy, but most of all there are too many people involved and we are finding new ways to turn the real into simulacra, to turn sex, intimacy, and love into a desire for self and a desire for masturbation. Because no one does it better than you